Current state: Nickel

I'm writing to you from the floor in my living room. Surrounded by laundry that needs to go through the wash, laying on the pillow that has yet to meet the DIY pillow cover all but sewn for it. Its far past the "acceptable" bed time. My hair is unwashed and my skin hasn't been properly moisturized in days. What's my point? I'm not yet pure gold. I'm just nickel. Not worth a whole lot.

I think know that most everyone who will ever read this has had plenty of moments like this one I'm currently living. We all self sabotage. We all cover up those moments of self sabotage. If we're not covering it up we're pretending we're ok with it, and well, heck, if I'm ok with it and its good for me then there's nothing wrong with it right? Wrong. We live in a world of sissies and people who are terrified to say what they think and are afraid they might offend someone if they aren't politically correct. I've tried the act. I've tried being up front with my flaws. I've made it very clear that I'm rarely on time. My house is never really clean. I can't cook a meal. I'm never going to be super thin or have the best wardrobe. My nail polish is constantly chipped. So naturally if I'm putting this all out there then I'm not in denial and must be working to rectify these problems. That I'm being realistic about the things I have to work on and not allowing myself to keep up with the ridiculous standards the world has? Wrong again. I've done nothing but admit to my flaws.

We're all pretty good at that right? I mean... really. If I gave you a pen and paper and asked you to write all your flaws you'd ask me for another sheet of paper. So how are we helping ourselves? Still not sure about that. I suppose its good to put it all out there. But then again, there may come a time where you don't want everyone in your life to know "where you were" a year ago. A lot of these issues are personal, and the victories should be personal too. If you can make yourself proud of your accomplishments then why advertise it. Let others come to you and say they've noticed how put together you are, or whatever it may be. Take the win. Don't force others to see your success. They will.

So how am I going to take myself from laying on my living room floor amidst laundry and unfinished projects to a more polished and lets face it, happy version of myself? Still working on the details. But I know the process. It's called alchemy. KT Tunstall wrote a song on it. Worth a listen. Then google alchemy. Right now I'm nickel. A base metal. One that is easily broken down when exposed to certain elements.

The premise of alchemy is this. You take a baser metal like nickel or zinc and turn it to gold. Wouldn't you like to feel as valuable as gold? I know I would. It was a concept contrived in the middle ages, and while they didn't have a whole lot going for them then in most peoples eyes, I think this is fantastic. CLEARLY they didn't manage to make this work for metals but I'm pretty sure it can work on me.

There are so many things I want to work on. To overhaul. I won't say I want to lose 60 pounds or have a weekly meal plan and cleaning schedule. I am not setting myself up for any sort of failure. Progress is success. I am aware this is a lifelong journey, but in a year I want to feel more confident in all aspects of my life. I don't want to be "finished" with any goal. EVER. Life is about progress. Not a finish line.

Love & Love

Em